Good Ideas, Bad Ideas
by TwistedJabberjays
Summary: It might be a good idea to have Little Guy drive you home, but what about Maria? What would happen if you gave Maria a scalpel? Find out dozens upon dozens of good ideas and bad ideas here, in fanfic versions! Please read, rate, and review!
1. The Worst Driver

I said that I'll be doing this, remember? So I'm turning them into fanfics. They probably won't be very funny, but... deal with it.

* * *

**Good Idea: Sit in a car with Little Guy at the wheel**

"I feel a bit embarrassed by this," Naomi Kimishima mumbles, "But I kind of need a drive back."

"I'll take you!" Little Guy leaps to his feet, grabbing Naomi by the arm, and leading her to a car. Her cheeks start flaring a little pink, but she goes with Investigator Navel anyways.

"They look really cute together, you know," Maria laughs.

Little Guy spins around on his left heel glaring at Maria. "I'll pretend that I didn't hear that."

"If you're going to drive me home, can't you at least hurry up with it?" Naomi asks impatiently.

Little Guy's cheeks blazes with scarlet as he grabs Naomi's arm again and leads her to his sleek black car.

"You _do _know how to drive, right?" Naomi asks hopefully.

Little Guy shoots daggers at her. "Would you like to see my license?"

"If you can fake your way into the FBI, surely you can fake your way to a fake license," says Naomi, but her voice has an aura of danger in it. Kidding about things like that is normally calling for people to overhear.

"You've been in my car before, am I right, Dr. Kimishima?" Little Guy asks. "Please, have a seat."

"You don't need to be so formal, you know," says Naomi, rolling her eyes, getting into the front passenger's seat. "Just call me Naomi. I won't bite your head off. Haven't I said that already?"

"Uh… yes, Dr. Kimishima!" Little Guy stammers, and slips into the driver's seat himself.

The blond begins driving, backing out of Resurgam First Care's parking lot. Naomi chuckles to herself as she watches Little Guy's fingers scramble around, nudging the wheel, pressing buttons, bending the car to his will.

Block after block passes, streetlamp after streetlamp, and finally, as the soft twilight turns into a pitching blackness, Little Guy's car reaches the corner of Naomi's house.

"There. Now say I can't drive," he says proudly.

"You can't drive," says Naomi, getting out of the car.

Little Guy sighs. At least he has seen to getting Naomi back home safely. Whereas, if Maria had taken her…

**Bad Idea: Sit in a car with Maria Torres at the wheel**

"I feel a bit embarrassed by this," Naomi Kimishima mumbles, "But I kind of need a drive back."

"I'll take you!" Little Guy jumps to his feet, but something bars his way. Maria's yellow-and-green sleeve bangs against Little Guy's chest, forcing him to sit back down.

"No, it's all right," says Maria. "You two have had your two-person space already. Little Guy will be too lovesick to see if the light is red or green. I'll take her."

Little Guy's face burns redder than a cherry tomato. Naomi inspects him closely; she knows that he likes her, but isn't sure if she likes him back.

"I think it's a good idea to have Maria take me back," she says cautiously.

Those words quickly evaporate as soon as Naomi sees the grin on Maria's face as she makes herself at home in the driver's seat.

In that split second, Naomi would've traded for Little Guy in a second.

"Hell yeah, baby!" Maria cries, and with a screech, the tires spin free from the gravel and shoot backwards. Naomi automatically reaches for her seatbelt.

Suddenly, Maria's hand hits the speakers, and a loud blast of rock music hits Naomi's ears. She covers her ears with her hands, trying to block out the awful clashing of drums.

"How do you even get around?" she groans, clutching her ears, eyes squeezed shut.

"I normally ride a motorcycle," Maria shrugs. Naomi figures that Maria at least knows how to ride one.

"Can we go by motorcycle then?"

Maria glares at Naomi. "Do you want to know how I ride a motorcycle?"

Naomi moans again. "No."

The entire trip is torture. Naomi finds herself banged and beat up by the time Maria finally approaches the corner of her street, having taken the wrong route seventeen times, crashed twice, ran a red light twenty-one times (yes, Naomi counted), and went above the speed limit more times than Naomi can count. When she finally staggers from the car, her stomach is feeling queasy and nausea is forming at the back of her head.

"Uh… thanks for the ride," Naomi whimpers. "See you… next time…"

"No problem!" Maria calls, cheerily. She drives away, the last traces of rock music still lingering in Naomi's ears.

At home, the forensics researcher grabs her cell phone, wincing at every noise she makes. However, she manages to punch in Little Guy's number (which was on speed dial anyways, but she forgot) and call him.

"Yes, Dr. Kimishima?" Little Guy answers on the first ring.

"Little Guy?" Naomi straightens up, her old, tough self back again. "Next time, you're going to be the one driving me home."

Little Guy chuckles softly, so that Naomi can't hear. "So how bad was Maria's driving?"

Naomi can hear the far-off giggles of her partner, but doesn't bite his head off this time. "Would you like to try?"

Little Guy stops laughing and his face turns pale. "Nah, I'll pass."


	2. A Simple Question

**A Simple Question**

**Good Idea: Ask Gabe who CR-S01 is**

When Derek Stiles hears about this new doctor taking over his fame, he is mad. No, he is more than mad. He is furious, broiling to the point of blue fire sparking from his ears. All his life, he had been the medical treasure of America, no, the _world. _And even after that GUILT outbreak that had threatened the entire planet, his honor… his fame… his _glory _had been just _taken _by a complete _newbie _who _didn't even know his own name!_

Derek is extremely infuriated. He has to know who this CR-S01 is, and why had taken over his life like that. He _needs _to beat him at his own game.

So Derek comes up with the only idea he can think of. Ask, very casually, just who CR-S01 is.

He can only think of two people: Gabriel Cunningham, and Naomi Kimishima.

Naomi is too smart; being a forensics researcher, without a doubt, she can tell a lie from a truth. Having spent years with Little Guy can do that (and really, you'll soon learn the art of lying after listening to Little Guy stammer his head off every time Naomi asked him a favor). So, if Derek raises an all-too-casual question about CR-S01, which Little Guy does a lot, then Naomi just might question Derek's sanity about knowing what gender the young prisoner is.

That leaves Gabe.

With reluctance, Derek calls up Gabe. At least he should know that Derek will not be misinformed on the surgeon's gender… right?

Wrong.

"Hey, uh, Stylus?" Gabe asks, who has always referred to Derek as _Stylus, _making fun of his last name. However, the nickname isn't the most pressuring thing at this point to Derek, because the thing Gabe says next is. "Um… as much as CR-S01 looks like a girl, _he _is actually a _he, _and not a _she."_

Derek groans out loud, hoping that Angie, who is sitting on the other side of the couch in the break room, hadn't heard. It would be completely disastrous if she did.

"I _know _that," he snaps. "I just need information about him, okay?"

"Derek?" Angie's green eyes slide over to the surgeon skeptically. "Did you say _him?"_

Derek covers the mouthpiece of the phone with his free hand as Gabriel Cunningham bursts into an obnoxious bark of laughter on the other side of the line.

"No!" Derek says. "I'm just… ah… asking for the charts for a patient."

"Oh," says Angie softly, though she still isn't entirely convinced. "Okay, then. Go on. Pretend I'm not here."

Derek sighs, and leaves the break room. The only place of privacy he can think of is his office. No one goes there… except for Tyler, who is thankfully male and not Derek's girlfriend.

"So," Derek scowls, talking into the phone again as he marches up the stairs, "Tell me about this CR-S01."

"Are you _jealous?" _Gabe smirks, and from then on, Derek seriously regrets calling his playful friend.

"No," he says. "Just tell me… how good is he at surgery?"

Gabe howls in laughter again. "So, you _are _jealous!"

Anger pounds in Derek's temples. "TELL ME, YOU GODDAMN… PERSON!"

"So that's the worst insult you can think of?" Gabe asks mockingly.

"I can always ask Victor for some," says Derek through gritted teeth.

"Alright, I'll talk," Gabe yawns. "He's amazing, ya know. He completed a heart-stopping operation without a heart-lung machine!"

Derek's face pales. No operation has ever been done without a heart-lung machine. Of course, he knows that, for he was the one who had given that advice in the first place to this so-called CR-S01. But… even Derek himself had to use the Healing Touch…

"What else?" he asks. "Any… abilities?"

"No Healing Touches," Gabe answers. "No magical pentagrams."

Derek's fingernails dig into the surface of his palms as he hangs up abruptly. Gabe isn't going to help, so he has to find someone who will.

**Bad idea: Ask RONI who CR-S01 is**

A few months earlier, a brand new supercomputer had arrived in Victor Niguel's lab, as an assistant to his researcher. Victor _is _the head of the Research and Development department at Caduceus, and after all, he _does _need an assistant, doesn't he?

That's what Sidney Kasal had thought, and he was terribly wrong.

The moment Victor had set his eyes on RONI, he wasn't going to suffer the same fate Gabriel Cunningham had gone through. So instead, he had locked up the computer in the closet (don't ask where the rest of his clothes are) where it still talks. Of course, Victor _had _considered dropping RONI into a vat of acid and pour in some special explosive mixtures in, but because of three reasons, he didn't.

A) Sidney, the only person Victor fears at Caduceus, will kill him.

B) It would blow up half his lab.

C) Okay, maybe it would be fun to go and play chess with RONI every once in a while.

However, Reason C disappeared as soon as Victor had sat through one round of chess. RONI had checkmated him in nine moves, and Victor _never _lost.

Reason B disappeared just as fast. There are other ways to destroy a computer; sink it in water, smash it to the ground, shoot paint balls at it, slap pies on its monitor. He doesn't need to blow up half his lab.

But Reason A was the reason he feared the most. Sidney would be beyond mad, beyond furious, and Victor does _not _want to see that any more than he wants to spend an eternity with RONI.

So he kept it, hidden away in the darkest corners of his closet for four months.

Not a lot of people know about this RONI thing, except for Derek Stiles and a certain Tyler Chase. So of course, Derek took the next possible alternative to find out more about this criminal doctor, CR-S01.

"Hey, uh, Victor?" Derek asks casually, wearing his unmistakably fake smile for the mastermind. "Can I bother RONI?"

Victor can't even bother to say a simple word. "Mm-hmm," he grunts, and Derek waddles into the lab.

"So… uh… where is it?" Derek asks, though he knows perfectly well. However, it's best if Victor didn't know about the nine hundred and seventy-third times Tyler Chase had slipped into his lab…

"Closet," Victor replies, his beady eyes focused on the chart he's labeling. Derek wrinkles his nose but heads to the closet anyways.

There it is, the magnificent RONI, though her monitor is littered with dust and lint. Derek wheels the computer out into the light of lab, and immediately, RONI awakens.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Stiles," she says, immediately registering the fingerprints that grip her. "It is 3:57 PM. Would you like a full schedule of your upcoming operations?"

Victor's face burns scarlet with rage. "_GET. THAT. DAMN. THING. OUT OF MY SIGHT!" _he bellows. _"NOW!"_

"Okay, okay," Derek winces, striding out of the lab, RONI tagging along with him.

Once outside the corridor and safe from Victor's earshot, Derek turns back to RONI, whose blue screen is flickering almost ominously.

"RONI, I want you to tell me everything you know about the surgeon CR-S01, and do not stop until you finish!" Derek demands in one huge breath.

"Understood, Doctor," says RONI. "Would you like a verbal report or a printed report?"

"Printed," says Derek immediately, and with that, he returns RONI to Victor as he shuffles upstairs to his office to read the 793-page report RONI had printed, Times New Roman, size 8. Immediately, he knows that something is wrong.

_Name: Unknown, referred to as CR-S01_

_Age: 28_

_Birth Date: Unknown_

_Death Date: N/A_

Derek snarls. "Why would I need to know when he died? If he's dead already, I wouldn't be trying to read this, would I?"

_Hair Color: Black_

_Eye Color: Red_

Derek glances nervously over to the copy of _Twilight _sitting on the desk. He has no idea why it's there; he detests Twilight, so it must've been Tyler's doing. Either way, he hopes that he's not facing a vampire here.

_Height: 168 centimeters_

Derek sighs and tries to convert that into inches. _Come on! I ask for a medical report and I get math homework?_

_Weight:_

The moment Derek sees those words, he tears the first page away and begins reading the second page, fearing that the next thing he'll see will be _Bathroom Breaks _or even worse. It doesn't take a genius to find out that the second page is filled with pictures of CR-S01. In prison, operating, and heck, even _sleeping. _Derek shudders to think of the worse alternatives.

The third, fourth, fifth, and all the way up to the twenty-fourth page are all pictures. Frustrated, Derek tears page away from page, and the pile in the recycling bin grows bigger and bigger.

_Born on (DATE UNKNOWN), CR-S01 has been known to have bad relationships with his mother and father. The schools he went to are unknown, as the FBI cannot locate someone without knowing their name. His address, phone number, email, and all personal things are also unknown._

Derek doesn't even bother reading the rest of the page, knowing that they will be full of useless information and half the words will be _unknown._

_At the age of eight, CR-S01's parents passed away in an unknown incident, and the child was adopted by Albert Sartre, a French doctor. Sartre was raised in…_

"Dammit…" Derek throws that page away also.

_Although CR-S01 does not remember most of his past, he did admit that together, Sartre and him, did a lot of illegal work, such as experimenting on lab rats, etc. A full chart of every exam they did, or could remember, is below._

"AAAARG!" Derek is seriously ready to rip his hair out, but then Angie would ditch him. So he doesn't, and only rips out the page.

_During his time with Sartre, CR-S01's knowledge of medicine and practices increased rapidly and dramatically, though in illegal ways._

That page disappears quicker than Tyler can bust into Victor's lab and throw confetti onto him.

_At age 14, Sartre adopted a daughter, Rosalia Rossellini. Rossellini was known to have close ties with soon-to-be CR-S01's friend, Maria Torres. Rossellini's parentage is unknown._

Howling with rage, Derek snarls and rips that page in half, shredding it into the already crammed recycling bin. _Why… would I need to know about his… sister… when… ARG!_

After shredding, tearing, ripping, cutting, slicing, clawing, hacking, and, as a last resort after the bin has been filled up, eating, Derek Stiles has reached the 528th page, and still has another few hundred pages to go. Frustrated, he throws the rest of the paper in the recycling bin, and hooks up the phone to call Naomi.

_At least she can tell me something, _Derek thinks bitterly, punching in his friend's number.

Oh boy, was he wrong…

* * *

If you thought Gabe was bad... RONI is even worse. *shudders*

~fk1998, who has to find a working proxy for YouTube, or she'll never finish The Complete Edition!


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